Review - New Moon

Moonstruck: Who's Afraid of The Big Bad Wolf?

The Twilight Saga: New Moon

Score: 5,5

As Money moves mountains and there are several books continuing the story (badly as it seems…), the studios couldn’t lose the opportunity to take money away from the pocket of fanatic teenagers that can’t distinguish art from business, and people like me who pay just to have arguments to trash it. Because, let’s be honest, the plot from the first one, that is apparently less loyal to the book, which I didn’t read and never will, is way better. It just fails when that whole biting, blood, poison, battle of good and evil, greyskull sword bullshit starts. And that’s practically the whole thing in this new production. The few parts that differ from it and resemble the first movie are not convincing. Mainly because all the characters change their behaviors.

After the happy ending from the first one, it continues on Bella’s birthday. She cuts herself with wrapping paper and causes a commotion in the glitter-vampire’s (who glows like Priscilla in the desert) place. Then he notices that this relationship is inappropriate and dumps her alone in the woods. She should have prepared a Bloody Mary to this people ages ago… With chicken’s blood, they would never notice. Then she leaves the strong and independent Julia Roberts girls she used to be behind and becomes sort of a Penelope Cruz in Vicky Cristina Barcelona, without the Latin furor. She gets hysteric and totally out of control. Doing shit non-stopping. Screaming like crazy into the night because of a silly dream. The feminist became a helpless fairy tail princess. I would have thrown her at the Girl, Interrupted’s mental institution along with Angelina Jolie. It would all go away in a snap.

Kristen reminds me of Jodie Foster each day more. In all aspects, if you know what I mean… And being paired with Robert Pattinson, who’s fake even in the make-up muscles, it’s even harder do understand the reason of all this enchantment. Can you imagine the terrible horse blood breath he must have? In the first film it was acceptable, but this time he’s got competition. And it’s disloyal. So there’s no way to take this teenage romance. And they’re teenagers (she is, he probably saw Joan of Arc being burned in the fire), they change opinions as they change clothes.

After being abandoned, she “tries to forget” the Sparkling glitter boy by rebuilding an old bike with Jacob’s help, played by Taylor Lautner, the long haired guy from the first picture, and a new moon rises. And then the movie exceeds its fantasy share. When a half-naked tanned bodybuilder appears in a 17 year-old room, and clearly they’re attracted to each other, what would happen? But nothing happens here! It’s way too much pureness than my human nature can take... Even Sarah Palin’s daughter in Alaska couldn’t resist it (probably for much worse than that), and then what would you obviously say about these two?

But she then finds out that her new fling is a werewolf. Seriously, this chick is a weirdness magnet. The next movie will show Santa Claus and the Easter bunny’s meeting. Big foot, mummy, Frankenstein, Casper, they’re all on the line to appear on it too. One of these days she will also find the smurfs, because she’s no Little Red Riding Hood but loves to get lost in the woods. And all she found so far was vampires and werewolves. Just throw her in the Amazon. If she can face vampires and werewolves, anacondas and jaguars are just a breeze.

The other movie was a low budget production, and after its sudden success, it got more resources for its sequels. They changed the director and brought the guy from The Golden Compass, expanded the cast and hired Dakota Fanning, who was adorable in I Am Sam, but now she’s growing up and reminding me of the Olsen twins, and Michael Sheen, from Frost/Nixon and The Queen, but the special effects are still lame. None of the werewolves look real. The seem like videogame characters. And when Bella takes a picture of her friends, what they did on the camera’s screen is just terrible. The make up improved just a little bit.

The screenplay didn’t help either. There are some atrocious dialogues and some nonsense scenes. That scene where Bella’s depressed and just stands still in here room while time flies before her eyes was already done (and better done) 10 years ago in Notting Hill, with Hugh Grant passing by a street fair while the seasons change. There was also Ronan Keating singing “When You Say Nothing At All” as soundtrack, to make it more poetic. Or it is “Ain’t No Sunshine”, I don’t remember quite well. It was ten years ago after all… One other thing that I don’t understand is why in every movie that someone is running away, they always end up in Rio. It’s probably Hollywood’s official hiding-place. At least this kind of movie is perfect to make jokes out of it. I’ll keep on watching its sequels anyway, so I can still have much mockery to do.